Friday, September 26, 2008

Just not myself...

Ever since we heard the awful news that the IVF failed, and we're not pregnant...I feel like I'm just not myself. It's been almost 4 years of trying, and I honestly felt like this was it for us...that it would work. I feel like God has let me down, and I'm so disappointed.

I still believe in God, and I do believe He has a plan and we will get pregnant someday. But I'm just tired and frustrated in waiting...People say things happen for a reason...what could honestly be the reason to make us wait? People say it's a test of patience...but I've always been a very patient person. People say it's a test of faith...and maybe it is, b/c this is the first time I've felt like my faith is failing...

I've stopped reading my Bible, almost spitefully, and I hate that. I do still pray but more for other people than myself right now. My mother-in-law said a wonderful thing to me...that when we are hurting and can't pray for ourselves, we don't have to, because other people are praying for us.

I'm seeing a Christian counsellor on Wednesday, and am hoping that will help me. I just want to be back to my happy self...and I know it's totally understandable for me to feel this way...but I just want to be right with God again. I feel awful that I'm not, and yet I can't bring myself to being closer to Him again...don't know if that makes any sense but that's just how I'm feeling right now.

So, since I can't pray for myself, please pray for me. Pray I'll get through this funk and come out even closer to God. And pray that Carl and I will get the only thing we've ever wanted...a child to hold in our arms.

1 comment:

Krysta said...

Hi Laura. I completely understand everything you are saying. I am just now starting to be myself again after finding out almost 2 months ago that I was not pregnant after IVF. And I think it's completely normal. After the money we've paid and all of the meds, shots, waiting....it's a wonder we aren't insane! Did the counselor help? I'm glad you found my blog :)