Saturday, September 27, 2008

How strong does He think I am?

I am still in this funk that I can't shake. I think I've hit my breaking point. God says He won't give us more than we can't handle, but I'm done, God, done...I'm not this strong...even though You obviously think I am. I just want to be back to my normal self, and want to be pregnant. I don't think it's too much to ask...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Just not myself...

Ever since we heard the awful news that the IVF failed, and we're not pregnant...I feel like I'm just not myself. It's been almost 4 years of trying, and I honestly felt like this was it for us...that it would work. I feel like God has let me down, and I'm so disappointed.

I still believe in God, and I do believe He has a plan and we will get pregnant someday. But I'm just tired and frustrated in waiting...People say things happen for a reason...what could honestly be the reason to make us wait? People say it's a test of patience...but I've always been a very patient person. People say it's a test of faith...and maybe it is, b/c this is the first time I've felt like my faith is failing...

I've stopped reading my Bible, almost spitefully, and I hate that. I do still pray but more for other people than myself right now. My mother-in-law said a wonderful thing to me...that when we are hurting and can't pray for ourselves, we don't have to, because other people are praying for us.

I'm seeing a Christian counsellor on Wednesday, and am hoping that will help me. I just want to be back to my happy self...and I know it's totally understandable for me to feel this way...but I just want to be right with God again. I feel awful that I'm not, and yet I can't bring myself to being closer to Him again...don't know if that makes any sense but that's just how I'm feeling right now.

So, since I can't pray for myself, please pray for me. Pray I'll get through this funk and come out even closer to God. And pray that Carl and I will get the only thing we've ever wanted...a child to hold in our arms.

Not Pregnant...

IVF has been a crazy journey...definitely a rollercoaster physically and emotionally...
All along the way, everything has looked great. My dr called me the embryo queen b/c all 7 embryos looked amazing and kept going strong. They transferred 2 (one was super high-quality...and they actually recommended only placing that one in) and I was couch-bound for 2 days straight...only getting up to go to the bathroom.

All week I've kept it easy...being sure I didn't lift too much or exercise like the drs recommended. And all week was I pregnant? I definitely had pregnancy symptoms..but it was hard to tell if I was pregnant b/c a lot of the medications I was on also mimic pregnancy symptoms.

But today...we got the call from the dr that we weren't pregnant. And though I was hopeful, I had just had a gut feeling that's what they would say. But my husband and I prayed together every night...something we've never done before, and I know we've had so many prayers from family and friends, I just felt that God would give this to us.

So I am just heartbroken. It feels like losing Lucy all over again...although I know this is different, and not considered a miscarriage. But I had life...2 little embryos...inside of me...that were growing at some point...and they either did not attach to me, or did attach but stopped growing.

So now my drs will be meeting to discuss what happened, and then will meet with us to see the next step. They want me to have a cycle of rest in between...which is fine. I need a break to regroup...emotionally and physically. We have 4 embryos still frozen. I think I would be up for one more transfer...but after that...I don't know if I could go through it again. My husband is actually bringing home information about adoption he saw online at work...he says either way, we are bringing home a child. He wants this as much as I do.

It sounds silly, but I always feel like I let everyone down when this happens...especially Carl and my mom. Like everything was going so great, and then my body just didn't pull through and do what it was supposed to. But please don't say there's anything wrong with me...there's not. I've been checked and tested up and down...and everything always looks great. I think maybe it was just very hard on my body...all the injections...having my ovaries enlarged to makes lots of eggs, then going to the retri..being put under while they took out each egg with a needle) and then 5 days later another procedure to put them back. I've heard some people got pregnant on their 2nd IVF try (no retrieval...since we already have the eggs, so only the transfer to have to do...) b/c of the first cycle being so stressful. Maybe my body just needed more of a rest in between...

It's just so hard...we love children. And I know we will be good parents.

I know there's a reason for everything...but right now, honestly I'm upset with God. I hate to be upset with Him...but I just don't understand why...ugh we've just been through so much...We've been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, and during one year, we lost my father and two babies. And then this heartbreak...I had so many amazing signs leading to this...I was so sure IVF would work for us.

I know I'm being selfish...that God has a plan for us...but I just want it now. I want to be a mother now. I'm jealous of watching everyone else be a mom, and get to hold their little children. I am truly happy for them...but my body aches to be a mom. I want to have that too. We deserve to have it.

Thanks so much to everyone for supporting us through this. It has been so nice to have people saying they're praying for us and thinking of us. I feel so loved. If I don't get to comment or message everyone back, know that I have read it and I do cherish your support. It means the world to me...especially at a time like this.